I thought it might be a good idea to review a movie that I have actually seen recently. And that pretty much limited me to one. Unfortunately, that one is "Thomas and the Magic Railway".
I could reproduce the entire script here from memory just to show off, but that wouldn't be all that impressive since anyone could do that after watching this film 17 billion times like I have.
Instead, let's get straight to the central, vitally important thing about this movie.
It is a complete disaster from beginning to end. Everything about it is bad. I hated it the first time I saw it, I have hated it every time since. And I will continue to hate it for all time.
I realise that I have a bit of a purist streak and that, having grown up reading the Thomas the Tank Engine books, pretty much any attempt to adapt these pleasant little tales of very British steam trains for an American audience was probably going to annoy me, but it doesn't necessarily follow that it would also make me want to slap the director in the head with a Very Large Mackerel.
I save that reaction for only the very worst in tragically stupid wasted opportunities like this movie.
I will spare you the tedious details of what is apparently meant to be a story, and I will skip over most of the crimes against acting from people who should have known better (Did the director keep telling Peter Fonda "Once more with a truckload of valium"?), pausing merely to wonder what exactly Alec Baldwin did with all his money and why, if he needed to pay off the mob quickly (which is the only explanation I can come up with) he didn't do something less embarassing and degrading, like starring in "The Funny Looking Guy Who Kept Forgetting His Pants".
I suppose I should include something positive somewhere in this review (which is not easy given that I even hate the soundtrack, which sounds like they gave a professional soundtrack writer twenty minutes and said come up with something that sounds exactly like every single note in it has no purpose in the universe other than to form part of a soundtrack), so I went searching on the internet movie database for any positive comment I could find.
Sure enough, one person wrote:
"For all those who have slammed this film as being the worst of 2000 I can only imagine that they have no sense of wonder and either don't have kids or don't read to their kids. Take your little ones, leave your synicism at the door and be a kid again."
I have kids. I read to them every night. And every morning before breakfast. And it is almost always a Thomas story. And the closest this movie came to inspiring a sense of wonder was making me wonder what is so damn child friendly about a diesel trying to incinerate James the Red Engine and some random idiot with a Scottish accent in a giant furnace.
And I think the word they are looking for is 'cynicism'.
A rather more perceptive reviewer wrote:
"Your kids may enjoy the railroad scenes, but don't watch this movie unless you want your brains to leak out of your head and turn to mush. The models are great, but the acting and writing are ridiculous. Avoid at all costs!!!"
The only thing wrong with this statement is that the reviewer did not use nearly enough exclamation marks.
Yes, my sons do enjoy the railroad scenes, and they appear completely unconcerned by the evil diesel (the older one keeps asking for this diesel for Christmas) and so I continue to let them watch the film. However, all parents looking to retain their own sanity are advised to start collecting copies of this film and throwing them into the deepest part of the deepest ocean in the world.
While you're there, please catch me a mackerel so I can get on with slapping the director.
Rating: hellishly painful (and no stars)
8 comments:
I am eternally grateful that my kiddly-winks are not train afficionados. I have a friend, though, who shares your pain, INC.
On another note, Alex Baldwin couldn't possibly have reprised "The Funny Looking Guy Who Kept Forgetting His Pants". That role forever belongs to our very own Mal Fraser.
I've not seen it, but I've been assured it's awful.
Instead, let's get straight to the central, vitally important thing about this movie.
It is a complete disaster from beginning to end.
Comedy gold.
I took the kids I nanny to see this train wreck (no pun intended) and had to resort to counting the number of pieces of popcorn in the box to entertain myself.
Thanks, everyone. I feel much better now (even though I watched the damn thing again today)
Oh craig. You poor, poor bastard. Have you thought of perhaps tying the small person up in front of the telly and just leaving the room. (Is that a bad thing to say? I don't have kids.)
I'm not craig...you say you watched it again the other day. Please stop torturing yourself. If your kids want to see it again buy them the DVD and let them watch it alone.
Even if I go to the cinema with my kids I don't watch the kids movie. We go with my husband and he stays with them while I watch the adult film in the next theatre. very few kids films are palatable for adults. I almost commited suicide during CARS. Actually I fell asleep and woke up with my face pressed into a chair seat full of stale popcorn.
Redcap
Why would I tie up a small person in front of the television? I can't get them to move once that thing is on.
Emma
I assure you that I have not been making multiple trips to the cinema to see this movie. It was released in 2000 and even Australian cinemas aren't that far behind.
We have been watching it on video, it's just that I will put up with an awful lot in order to spend more time with my kids.
Yes, even this movie.
Fortunately, I have now taught my 3 year old to navigate around youtube, so there's been much less of that stupid movie and much more of what we like to call 'plastic trains on puter'.
Andfinally, to everyone who writes for this blog, will somebody please post something? Even I am sick of this post.
I first saw this at the movies with my kids and then I bought the video. We watch it less and less over the years but I've seen it maybe 100 times.
The acting! oh my gosh, the acting by Peter Fonda, what WAS that man doing? my personal opinion is that he let down the film. Could he have acted any more doped/bored/morose? What a tinhat.
I think that little girl, whatshername, the one who is in all kid flicks of the last decade - I think she does a good job of trying to say her lines to an invisible dot in the sky ( the only explanation I can come up with after watching her dialogue scenes with the 'engines')
Oh, it does it's best and really, as far as kids flicks go I can handle this...BUT. I agree with you, could they just let things be and stop worrying about pleasing every kid in America? The Brits have their Thomas the Train and that's where it should stay. Just like Winnie the Pooh.
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